The Dreams We Carry
by Dee8
Summary: Yes, another SIA story! CJ and Simon unexpectedly discuss a life-changing matter. COMPLETE!
1. The Phone Call

Spoiler for "Debate Camp."

This story brings up Simon's past from my "Wounds that Heal" story, where Simon's wife, Michelle, a CPD officer, was killed in the line shortly after she and Simon learned she was pregnant.  
  
Enjoy!  
  
The Dreams We Carry  
  
"Andi is pregnant with twins."  
"Who's Andi?" Simon tried to remember who went to "debate camp" with the President. It's been a long day, he was tired, and talk of a pregnancy threatened to bring up an old familiar pain he didn't need right now.

"Toby's ex-wife? Congresswoman Wyatt." CJ chuckled.  
"Apparently they're Toby's, though I couldn't get the complete story out of him. I guess that's what you'd call a friendly divorce."   
"Yeah…How was your day today?" Simon tried to change the subject, knowing full well he sounded, at the very least, odd, if not a complete jerk. Some enthusiasm was obviously called for, but he couldn't manage it."It was long…hey, are you OK?" CJ was instantly concerned. She knew Simon would be tired – with the elections so close, the Vice President's schedule was almost as insane as the President's, and Simon headed Hoynes' security detail now. But Simon sounded subdued, somehow, or deeply unhappy, for some reason. He wasn't just tired. 

"I'll be fine when you get back." Thoughts of being near CJ again made him smile. Between his schedule and hers, they haven't seen each other in almost two weeks, and phone calls just weren't cutting it. He needed his girl.

He also needed to stop feeling sorry for himself, wishing for what could have been…  
  
CJ bit her lower lip, trying not to let her insecurities get the better of her. He was looking forward to her return – he just said so. So maybe he wasn't about to break up with her, right? Five months into their relationship – their very intense relationship – CJ still had trouble believing things were this good. She was so used to getting hurt by men she kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"What's wrong?" she asked softly.  
"I'm sorry, it's been a long day on top of a long two weeks…I'm just feeling down. I miss you." Simon sighed. It was the truth, but not all of it. He tended to feel this melancholy every time one of his buddies announced a baby on the way. With CJ and Toby being such close friends, he knew he was going to hear a lot about the twins in the coming months. He also knew a baby wasn't a subject he should bring up with CJ, anytime in the foreseeable future. She had trouble enough trusting their relationship and worrying about her job.  
  
"I miss you too," she said, and laughed bitterly. "Toby is all excited about the babies but extremely upset Andi won't remarry him. They get time together here. And we want to be together and can't."  
She frowned into the phone. "Was I making any sense just now?"  
Simon laughed. "Yes, you were, but your exhaustion is definitely showing!" His voice softened. "I should probably let you go, but I don't want to. Hearing your voice does me a world of good."  
CJ smiled, feeling warmth course through her body. His voice and his words always felt like a warm comfortable blanket wrapped around her – in the absence of Simon himself, as long as he spoke to her she could get through even the roughest day.  
  
They sat in comfortable silence for a while. CJ was still mulling over the earlier part of the conversation, feeling she was missing something crucial. It wasn't that she didn't believe Simon – she did. But her intuition whispered there was another part to his melancholy she should be aware of. "Do you ever think about the baby you lost, when Michelle died?" She didn't realize she'd spoken the words until it was too late. Closing her eyes in sheer terror she thought, oh, no, what have I done?  
"I'm sorry," she started to say, frantically, desperately. "I didn't mean…I didn't even know I was…"  
"Yes." His voice was so heavy, so sad, it brought tears to her eyes. Oh God, Claudia Jean, what have you done??? The words screamed in her mind, even as she knew she found the answer to her earlier concern. Now she wished she didn't, wished she'd just taken him at his words and left good enough alone. "CJ, it's OK to talk about it, you know."  
"It's OK to cause you pain? Bring back bad memories?" She chocked on a sob. "I love you. I'm so sorry…"  
"You've never said that before."  
"What?" She blinked, trying to reign in her emotions. "Never said what before?"  
"That you loved me." Simon smiled. He'd said the words to her often. He was pretty sure she felt the same, but he also saw her recoil in fear every time her deepest emotions came too close to the surface. This woman has been hurt deeply in the past, he guessed early on in their relationship, and Toby later confirmed it. He was willing to give her as long as it took to trust him.  
  
CJ felt like a deer caught in the headlights. Frozen with fear, her first impulse was to end the conversation and flee. But she caused him pain tonight, and the least she can do is give him the kind of honesty he deserved, the kind she always got from him. 

"I do love you, Simon."  
He sighed contentedly, and she pictured him on the couch, in his favorite Jeans and a worn t-shirt, his head tilted back and his beloved face relaxing. She swallowed the lump in her throat and took a deep breath. She didn't want to take up the unfinished business but she needed his forgiveness before they said their goodnights.  
"Si…"

"CJ, you didn't cause me pain, or bring back bad memories." His voice got very quiet. If anything was going to threaten this incredible love he'd found, this would be it. It seemed they were in for a night of disclosures. "It's just that every time another friend or family member announces a pregnancy, I feel this way – that I've missed out on a huge part of a life I really wanted. That there is this one dream I had that's never going to come true, and unfortunately, it's a really big dream." Then he laughed out loud. 

"You realize I'm pathetic, right? I've gone through life being loved, by parents, siblings, and then a wife. I spent my adult life having jobs I love at which I am very good…Six months ago I was bemoaning the fact that at my age, I was probably not going to have another great love like I've known with Michelle so long ago. Than one day you stormed past me into your office, wearing that red dress and an attitude…" He stopped as she made a sound between laughter and tears. His voice softened again, and she could really feel his strong arms around her, holding her the way he did when he knew she needed comforting but wouldn't ask for it.

"Ceej, I have my quirks. I have a history, like everyone else. But I love you, and that's all that matters – all that really matters. If you…"  
"This dream is important to you," she whispered, fighting tears.  
"YOU are important to me!"   
"You deserve someone who can give you what you want. I'm not that person, Simon. I'm…too selfish to be a mom, too career oriented."

"You're what I want, CJ. Look," he sighed, "Do you remember the night we came back from New York? The night we went out for drinks after the play?"  
"I hope that's a rhetorical question."  
"Well, yes, it was. I walked you back to your newly-put-back-together car, and you asked me if I believed in miracles."  
"You said you were looking at one right then," she whispered.  
"And I've been looking at my miracle ever since. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"

She was quiet for so long he thought she hung up. "CJ?"  
"Why would you give up a dream that's so important to you? If you hurt every time another friend is having a baby, it's obviously…I don't know…A chunk of your life you've never stopped grieving..."  
"Maybe it just means I need to do some grief work. CJ, when Michelle died she was only in her first trimester and everyone sort of forgot that I lost not only a wife, but a potential child. I tried to do the same over the years, but maybe I shouldn't have." He sighed. "Look, I've got my young mischief-maker," that was his affectionate name for Anthony, "to keep me busy on the kid front. If I allow myself the selfish luxury of feeling unjustifiably sorry for myself, humor me. It'll pass."

She bit her lip again. "Some day you'll wake up and resent me for what I denied you."  
"Not in a million years, CJ."  
"You can't know this for sure."  
"I do know this for sure. But you need far more reassurances than I can give over the phone. Can we talk about this face to face?"  
"I'll be home day after tomorrow."  
"Amazingly enough, so will I. Will you call tomorrow?"  
"Yes," she said in a very small voice.  
"I love you with all my heart, spitfire."  
"Sleep well, Agent 99."  
He sighed. "You too, Ceej." 


	2. A Friend In Need

The Dreams We Carry 2  
  
As CJ hung up the phone, she knew sleep wasn't likely to come. She stepped outside and started walking, catching glimpses of Secret Service agents along the paths.

Simon.

She felt a sob forming in her throat, and fought it down. She whispered his name with a mixture that was equal parts longing and apprehension.

"Are we starting an insomniacs' club?" came a dry voice behind her. She jumped, but managed to stifle the scream that almost escaped her. While Toby's sneaking up behind her was annoying, to say the least, it didn't merit bringing on an army of Secret Service agents, undoubtedly with guns drawn.  
  
Though maybe he deserved it.  
  
"I should have you shot, asshole. You scared the hell out of me!"  
"Ask Simon. Maybe he'll do it," Toby smirked.  
The sentence had an unexpected effect on CJ. She turned around and fought for control, as her long-time friend watched with concern.

"CJ? Is everything OK?"  
She shook her head, and then nodded. "Yeah, fine."  
"Liar."  
She sighed. "Toby, don't you have a pregnant ex-wife to harass or something?"  
"Well, she kicked me out of her cabin, so I thought I'd settle for second-best."  
"Thanks," CJ said dryly.  
"You're welcome. Wanna talk about it?"  
  
She stood silently for a long time, looking into the distance. Finally, she whispered, "I had a surreal conversation with Simon tonight."  
"How was it surreal?" Toby was surprised. Simon Donovan was many things, but somehow surreal didn't seem to be one of them. He liked the man a lot, and was ever so grateful for the fact that his best friend finally found someone she deserved. He loved seeing CJ's happiness these past five months, and hoped to see it continue. Preferably for the rest of her life.  
  
CJ recounted her conversation with Simon. Toby listened intently, and when she was done, he looked at her quizzically.  
"I'm still waiting for the surreal part."  
CJ sputtered, tried to speak, but Toby has had enough. He raised his hand to silence her and scowled.   
"CJ, a guy shares his soul with you, tells you of a dream he's carried most of his adult life, then proceeds to tell you he is more than happy to trade in this dream for a lifetime with you." Toby stopped, his brow furrowed, and then announced, "Yeah, OK, now I see the surreal part. He actually wants to spend his life with you."

"Toby!" CJ screamed indignantly, immediately regretting it.  
"Everything OK, Ms. Cregg?" Can these people actually materialize out of thin air? She wondered, as the young agent appeared by her side.  
"Yes, thank you. Sorry about that," she mumbled, cheeks flushed. She glared at Toby as the agent nodded and walked away.

"I should have asked him to shoot you."  
"You'll have to take a number," Toby snorted.  
  
They looked at each other in silence, and Toby smiled softly, then wrapped a brotherly arm around his friend's shoulders.  
"CJ, you know him better than I do, but do you have any reason to believe Simon was less than completely honest with you tonight?"  
"No," she said miserably, "that's not the point, Toby."  
"What, then, is the point, exactly?"  
"He wants a baby, Toby."  
"He wants you more. Isn't that what he said? He loves you enough to let go of a dream so that the two of you can be happy together. Why are you so hung up on this?"

"Why should he let go of his dream? Why for me? And how do I know he won't resent me for it down the road?"  
Toby groaned. "At the rate you're going, you won't give him a chance to resent you, Claudia Jean. You'll just bolt on the off chance that twenty years down the road, he'll look at you wrong at his grand-niece's graduation!"  
CJ shook her head. "You're having TWINS with your EX-WIFE. Can you honestly tell me…"  
"Leave me and Andi out of this. I wish to God we had half as good a relationship as you have with Simon. Why you're willing to throw it all away because he was honest with you absolutely defies…understanding," he finished with a sigh. "CJ, you're smart, beautiful, strong and funny. He's got the same annoying sense of humor you and I share, and he can match your one-liners without missing a beat. You finally have someone who is comfortable with who you are, and asks nothing more or expects nothing less. It's you he fell in love with, not a potential mother for his potential child. Instead of worrying about what might happen down the road, why not make sure you hold on to what you have now?"  
"He carries this pain around…"  
"We all carry something around. What's the real issue here, CJ?" 

"I don't know who I am, Toby," she whispered.  
"In what way?" he asked softly.  
  
She shook her head, unable to put her inner-most feelings into words, or even coherent thoughts. She felt an inner turmoil that kept coming up even before Simon, and she kept pushing it down and pretending it wasn't there. Suddenly, her conflicts and insecurities were thrown into the light, and she wanted to hide them again. Let them lie in the darkest recess of her soul. She found it easier to blame her anguish on Simon than to acknowledge, to herself or anyone else, that there was a part of CJ Cregg that longed to be something other than the career woman always in control. Quietly, she kissed Toby's cheek and whispered a fervent "Thank You." Then she walked back down the path and disappeared into her cabin.


	3. Something to Think About

When CJ came back to her apartment, Simon was already there, cooking dinner. For the moment, all of her anxieties were forgotten as he folded her in his arms and their lips met in a long, loving kiss.

"Mmmm…." Simon mumbled against her lips when they broke for air, "feels like I found water in a desert."

CJ smiled and ran her fingers through his hair, marveling at how good it felt to be home again, knowing the only thing that made this place a home was the man in her arms.

"If we ever have to be away from each other for so long again, one of us should quit their job," she groaned, squeezing his middle and resting her head on his chest.

"No argument here," Simon smiled. "Hungry?"

Her eyes teased him. "Not for food, I'm not."

He grinned, turned off the stove, and took her to the bedroom. "It's good to have you home, my friend," he said quietly,

Much later, as they were cuddling together, happy and satisfied, CJ was still trying to drive away the nagging thought that popped into her head as they were making love. There was a part of her that wished the pill would fail her.

"I'm losing my mind," she decided.

"What's that?"  
CJ started. She didn't realize she spoke out loud, and the last thing she wanted was to have THAT particular discussion right now. She shook her head and kissed him, hoping he won't press the issue. Somehow, Simon always seemed to know when to ask questions and when to keep quiet. He didn't disappoint her now. Returning her kiss, he smiled regretfully and said, "We should either eat or just hit the sack. Neither of our schedules is very forgiving tomorrow."

CJ groaned. "I hate that you're responsible."

"Coming from the queen of 'I can't possibly leave the office before midnight today' I'd say that was a bit of misplaced anger there, lady."

She giggled, and buried herself under the covers. It felt good to be home and cherished. If only these unwanted thoughts would go away…At least, she thought, if I'm really lucky, Simon would never bring up our phone conversation again, and I can go on living the life I'm happy with.

But as she fell asleep, a little voice inside her head was screaming "Fraud!"

"Are you feeling any better?" Simon asked gently the next morning. They were having breakfast, both happy and relaxed, for the moment.

CJ blinked. "Was I not feeling well?"

Simon chuckled. "I mean about the phone conversation we had a few days ago. I didn't want to bring it up last night, I hoped actions would speak louder, and all that…But if you want to talk about it…"

"I'm fine," CJ cut him off, a little too quickly, a little too forcefully. "I was just…tired…I missed you. I'm fine."

Silently, she resolved to visit a certain Maryland Representative.

"The home-wrecker!" Andrea Wyatt laughed as CJ was ushered into her office. As the two women hugged, Andi smirked. "Do you know some people in this town are still perpetuating this myth about you and my marriage?"

CJ snorted. "If only my life were half as interesting as what some people in this town make it out to be." Her eyes fell on Andi's desk. "Is that one of your famous pies?"

CJ shared Toby's love of Andi's pies. Andi grinned, and waved a fork tantalizingly.

"Want some?"

"Do I ever!"

"Tell me you're not here on Toby's behalf and I'll give you a piece."

CJ laughed. "I'm most definitely not here on his behalf!"

Andi chuckled and cut a piece for CJ.

"Why are you here? I figured Toby would recruit you but you said that wasn't the case."

"No, though I have to admit that as Press Secretary, my life would be much easier if I could announce a wedding when the story breaks." As Andi started to reply CJ held up her hand. "But I'm not here as the Press Secretary. I'm just…curious."

"Curious?"

"Why now? Why Toby? Why…babies?"

"Hmmmm… Tell you what," Andi smiled a secret little smile. "We'll trade. I'll tell you all the whys if you spill the goods on that gorgeous Secret Service agent you've got wrapped around your little finger."

CJ laughed uproariously. "NO ONE has Simon wrapped around their little finger, Andi. But I'll talk. What the heck, he's my favorite subject!"

Andi settled back, looking around thoughtfully.   
"Do me a favor and keep this conversation inside these walls, OK? Toby will have a field day…if he found out the honest answers."

CJ nodded.

"Why Toby is easy. I still love him."

"He loves you too," said CJ softly. "He never took off the ring, you know…"

"Yeah, but I can't live with him, CJ. He…maybe we both expect too much of each other, and aren't willing to bend enough to accommodate one another. I don't know. I just know that there is no one else I want for the father of my children, and he's the one person I can't live with. Ironic, isn't it?"

CJ nodded mutely, head bowed, the words swirling in her mind. "…we both expect too much of each other, and aren't willing to bend enough…" she thought of Simon, and Toby's words that night. "…he is more than happy to trade in this dream for a lifetime with you… someone who is comfortable with who you are, and asks nothing more or expects nothing less." She drew in a shuddering breath.

"And…children? Now?"

"I've wanted them for a while. You know Toby and I tried…when we were married. Then we got divorced, and I threw myself into my work. But work doesn't define who I am." CJ's head snapped up sharply. Andi chuckled humorlessly. "Oh, it's a big part of me, but it doesn't completely define me. I felt…still incomplete. I am…Congresswoman Wyatt and…what else? I want to be "mommy" too. And I'm not getting any younger, as cliché as this sounds."

CJ struggled to find the right words. "Aren't you afraid…you'll lose yourself? Becoming a mother means…" she waved her hand vaguely.

"It means a lot of guilt men never get to experience when they go to work after the baby is born," Andi laughed. "I don't doubt it will be hard. And I will need to make compromises. But I think I will find a new self, that will hopefully be good enough to accommodate 'Congresswoman Wyatt' AND 'mommy.'

No one said you had to be one or the other, CJ," Andi said softly. "Some women are comfortable being either or. I want both, like many other women out there. Thankfully, we live in a time and place when the choice is ours."

"Now you sound like a politician," CJ smirked.

Andi laughed. "Hey, I'm running for reelection!"

CJ looked away, then back at Andi. She never had a close female friend, and now she wished she could confide in the woman sitting across from her. So much of what Andrea Wyatt said made sense, and resonated within CJ. And yet…

"You have a much better sense of self than I do," she mused.

"I don't believe that for a moment," Andi shot back.

CJ snorted. "You know, the only sense of myself I have is so tied up in my work…how good I do it….I don't think I know who Claudia Jean Cregg really is, outside the Press Room, or the PR Agency or….whatever. I don't know another me, and I don't know if I can conceive…" she winced at her choice of words, "…of another, different part of me."

"There's CJ the friend," Andi pointed out, "CJ the lover, the woman who's rumored to be growing quite domestic with the Secret Service hunk," she smirked.

CJ tried to glare at her, but blushed instead. "He's…incredibly domestic himself, when we're home. It's scary."

"I would have thought it's good?"

CJ nodded mutely, her defenses going up. Andi watched her for a moment.

"You know, to the small-town mind, and this is a VERY small town, a woman can't be close friends with a man for twenty years without having sex with him. We know differently. The same small-town minds will tell you that a woman can't get into the President's inner circle without having slept her way to the top. You and I know differently. These same minds will tell you that a powerful woman in a powerful job can only be that, to the exclusion of all else, or she's nothing at all. Only you know if that's true or not for you, CJ. It may be a scary question to ask, but I think it's worth looking for the answer. As long as you realize there's no wrong answer in this quest."

Andi chuckled. "I'm done sermonizing. Now let's talk about your hunk."

CJ leaned back, smiled, and started talking about her favorite subject.


	4. Confessions

CJ was quiet when she came home the night of her talk with Andi. Simon thought it was best to let her stew for a while. Eventually, though, he grew concerned by her demeanor.  
"CJ, talk to me."

She gave him a half-hearted smile and curled up on the couch, feet tucked underneath her, looking so much like a small, lost child he thought his heart would break.  
"It's...you know. I went and sat down with Andi Wyatt today. Just to talk...Our phone conversation earlier this week...same issue."

"I never even meant for this to become an issue!" Simon protested. "It was…me talking out loud, because you're not only the woman I love but also my best friend. I never meant to imply any need or make you feel…hell, CJ, I don't think I know WHAT you feel!"

She looked around for a long moment. "I'm not sure myself," she whispered. "Scared, angry, confused, hurt…" She grinned bitterly. "Take your pick."

"I don't get it – you're the last person I would expect to agonize about having a baby just because you think the guy wants to. This isn't you. It's not what I want and it's nothing that I can be grateful for. What's going on?"

She sighed heavily, trying to organize her own confused, scattered thoughts.  
"I guess you touched a raw nerve back when we were talking on the phone."  
He waited for her to go on. When she didn't, he asked, "What kind of a raw nerve?"  
CJ sighed, closed her eyes, and leaned her head back.  
Oh, you know…the kind whose existence I denied for so many years of my life…"  
"It being…"  
She snorted. "Do you know what it's like for a woman to be highly ambitious in a man's world?"

He considered. "Well, judging by my very limited experience, you'd either be labeled a bitch, or you'd have to prove yourself better than any man out there just to be competitive."  
CJ opened her eyes and looked at Simon with new appreciation in her eyes. Will the man ever cease to surprise her?  
"You're pretty astute, Donovan."  
He grinned. "I have my moments, ma'am."

She threw a magazine at him, as punishment for the "ma'am."   
Closing her eyes and leaning her head back again, she resumed talking.  
"Back in grad school, I was engaged…" she sighed. After a quiet moment, she continued. "David and I seemed to be so right for each other, you know. And I thought…" she shook her head impatiently. "At any rate, it wasn't until after we were heavily into the wedding-plans stage that we thought to talk about kids. And it became apparent that our expectations in that area were vastly different."  
She brought her head forward and looked down at her folded hands.  
"He thought we'd have kids fairly soon after we got married. And he expected, of course, to have a 'traditional,'" she chuckled bitterly," family."

"Meaning what? You'd stay home and he'd work?"  
She nodded, and Simon snorted. "Loser."  
CJ had to laugh.  
"Actually, he made District Attorney in LA, eventually. So I guess loser…"  
"Is still appropriate, as far as I'm concerned," Simon cut in.

"Well," CJ continued, "We obviously came to an impasse, it became a huge big deal, and the wedding was off. In hindsight, I can't believe I was naïve enough to miss that part of him. And it hurt…" She sighed, and was quiet again for a moment. Simon simply waited, taking her hands in his and squeezing gently.

"I threw myself into my work and when I had the right job, I was damn good at it and felt fulfilled. I wanted to establish myself in my field before I thought about kids. I thought it was fair – to me AND any children I might have had." She looked up at Simon, her face troubled. "This is where I get labeled an ambitious bitch, usually."

"By who?" snapped Simon.

"Whom," she corrected automatically, and winced when he glared at her. "Well, the guys I got promoted over, naturally. Or the guys I dated who left me saying they wanted a family and couldn't see that in their future with me. They said I was too ambitious." She turned her head away, but not before Simon saw the tears in her eyes.

"You know, I don't know if at some point I started to believe these guys, or just decided to stop getting hurt…I saw myself through my performance at work. My whole identity became tied up with my career. And now…remembering the times I did want more, when I thought I could one day be a wife and a mother, I get scared. I don't really know who I am outside work, and I don't want to have to choose between work and personal life. I love my job and I'm proud of what I can do. I can't take more pain – I never want to get left alone again. Especially not by you. I feel more for you than I've felt for anyone else in my life. I never thought I could…you know, just being so completely in love with you is a loss of control and identity that scares the hell out of me."

"Do you lose your identity with me?" Simon protested gently. "I never wanted you to change. I love who you are. If you feel pressured in any way…"  
She shook her head emphatically. "It's not you. It's me, not recognizing the silly girl in love that I become whenever I catch even a glimpse of you. It's…something I like and fear at the same time, you know."

Simon thought about the good-natured teasing he'd received as a young man smitten with Michelle. He compared it with the grumbles he overheard during the administration's first couple of years, about the Press Secretary and the red-headed reporter. Aside from the conflict-of-interest concerns which very few people seemed to have, most of the resentment seemed to be directed at the fact that this woman could be so powerfully successful at her high-profile job, and yet maintain a personal life and femininity. It was as if by doing so, she's become a threat to the Old Boys' Club.

Once again, Simon mentally reviewed the tremendous pressure CJ faced daily in her job. Far beyond the responsibilities of her position and the constant need to clean up everyone else's messes, she had to carry the added burden that society still placed on women who tried to break the glass ceiling.

"Why are you smiling?" she asked softly.  
"Oh, you know…you keep telling me how it's your job to clean up everyone's messes – the MS, the secret plan to fight inflation….it's a mom's job, except the messes are of a different kind."  
CJ stared at him, than she started to laugh. He pulled her close, and realized with alarm that her laughter was turning into panicked tears.  
"OK, CJ…Please tell me what just happened?"

She looked at him in anguish. "There is a part of this story I left out."  
He looked at her in apprehension. "What?"  
"I was pregnant two years ago."


	5. Heartache

A/N #1: There is an apparent contradiction between this chapter and a previous one. Fear not, this contradiction will be resolved in the next chapter.

A/N #2: This chapter was written before the events in _Commencement_ and _25_, as is evident in the last part of the chapter.

* * *

Simon looked at CJ and blinked in surprise. His mind racing, he tried to think back two years. He was on the White House detail then. He'd seen her in the hallways – he always looked for her, though he would never tell her that. There was no way the Press Secretary would have been able to hide a pregnancy, from the people in the White House OR from the press. Especially the press. Obviously the pregnancy wasn't carried to term, for one reason or another. He wondered who…and then he knew.

"Concannon," he stated. It wasn't a question.

CJ nodded mutely, clinging to Simon's hand desperately, expecting him to push her away. She cleared her throat and spoke quietly.

"His last day at the White House, we had…an exchange of words. I felt bad about it, and went to see him that night, to apologize. He was packing, and we argued some more, despite my best intentions. Then we got drunk together…I didn't realize I was pregnant until he was out of the country, and I couldn't get his boss to tell me how to reach him."

"So he didn't know you were pregnant?"

"No."

"What happened to the…pregnancy?"

"When I was six weeks pregnant, I had an abortion."

"What did he say when he found out?"

CJ stayed quiet. Simon looked at her in disbelief. "You never told him??"

She shook her head. "Only you and my doctor know. And a nurse."

Simon thought hard for a moment. "How do you feel about it?"

She sighed. "It was right and wrong at the same time, you know? I mean, I liked Danny a lot, but not in the way that makes a family. Having a child…in my mind it's a gift a couple gives to each other. It should be about…a celebration of deep love and commitment, not a one night stand with a guy who was just a very good friend and fun to flirt with."

"So why does it feel wrong?"

"Because I terminated a pregnancy, and while I'm grateful for the right to make that choice, it's not a choice that was easy to make. It was the right choice, but…I wish I didn't have to make it. And I kept wondering if this was it – my only chance…my last chance at having a child."

He pulled her close and rested his chin on her hair. After a moment, he spoke softly. "Ceej, why are you telling me this? I mean, we both have histories, but it's not like you did anything wrong by me, and you don't owe me this story, for any reason."

"Yeah, actually I do," she whispered.

"Why?"

"Because as it turned out, that was my last chance at having a child."

Much later, they were in bed, neither able to fall asleep. Simon thought about what CJ told him – the pregnancy hormones complicated a benign tumor she'd had in her uterus. It grew considerably. Having failed all treatment options, her doctor resorted to a hysterectomy. The pain in her voice and on her face as she spoke of it – pain so deep he felt it to the depth of his soul – almost caused him to break down with her. It may have been the first time she allowed herself to grieve for all the dreams she had and were now lost to her. And he had to admit, deep down inside, that a part of him was grieving for dreams he never admitted to himself he harbored; dreams of a family with CJ.

He turned on his side and faced her. She looked back at him and silently reached out. He pulled her close, held her and whispered, "I love you. I'm not going anywhere."

May 2003

CJ was smiling, half-wistfully, at the sight of Simon, a baby in each arm, clowning around with Toby and Andi. The twins were eight days old. It was the boy's Bris, which Toby and Andi combined with a naming ceremony for their girl. CJ had never seen Toby, in all their years of friendship, reduced to incoherent babblings, until today. Simon and Josh decided they were not going to let him live it down. Ever. Josh Had a video cam trained on Toby, and Simon's antics only drew Toby deeper into senseless mirth. That video should be VERY interesting, CJ mused. She walked up to her fiancé.

"You realize we're getting YOU on tape as well, right?"

He grinned at her. "We have ways of editing out undesirable parts, Ms. Cregg."

She punched him playfully, and gently pried Toby's little girl from Simon's grip.

"Just for that you lose Sara. I'm claiming her for a while."

Simon pouted, and CJ laughed, than tightened her arms around the sleeping infant. "If only…" she thought wistfully, looking away so as not to spoil her loved ones' mood.

Her gaze fell on Donna, who looked uncharacteristically glum in the midst of the festivities. CJ frowned, and walked over to her friend.

"What's up? You look like Toby normally does."

"I have a beard?"

CJ laughed. "No, you idiot, you 'have' a frown!"

Donna smiled thinly. "Oh, that."

CJ looked at her curiously, with a growing sense of unease. "Hey Donna, are you OK?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just…" she looked at CJ. "Do you remember Julie Saunders?"

CJ grinned fondly. Julie Saunders was by far the Senior Staff's favorite summer intern.

Senator Stephen Saunders was a thorn in the administration's side, a thorn of monumental proportions. An ultra-conservative Republican, the mere mention of his name would cause the President to clench his fists and grit his teeth. And no one, not even Simon, wanted to be around CJ on a day the Senator's name came up in the Press Room. According to Josh, Senator Saunders "made Mary Marsh look extremely liberal."

It was no surprise, than, that a collective groan went up when it was announced his daughter, a Political Science major in Georgetown, would be interning in the White House on the same summer the President was campaigning for re-election. Some people went as far as suggesting Julie Saunders was Ritchie's spy.

Then they met her.

Julie Saunders was about as different from her father as any person could be. She knew she would not be trusted and never complained, but went about proving herself and engaging in long impressive debates that showed her to be an extreme political opposite of her father. She was sweet, and she did the Jackal almost as good as CJ. The fact her father made his anger at her internship choice publicly known only enhanced her reputation in the West Wing.

CJ chuckled appreciatively at the memories. "Yeah, of course I remember Julie. You became sort of her mentor, didn't you? You two became pretty close."

Donna looked away, than looked back at CJ. "She's in real trouble, CJ. She's pregnant."

CJ looked at Donna in disbelief. Interning in the Bartlet White House was one thing. Getting pregnant out of wedlock when you're Stephen Saunders' daughter was…

"Oh, my god, Donna, her dad will kill her."

"No kidding."

"No, I mean, literally. He's going to KILL her!"

Donna looked at CJ mutely.


	6. Out of the Blue

CJ sighed and returned Donna's gaze. "How's Julie doing? I'm guessing it's probably a stupid question."

"She says she's losing her mind. She sounds like it, too."

A memory struck CJ with bitter irony and she let out a short laugh. Donna looked at her curiously.

"I was just thinking," CJ sighed, "How it seems that the issue of babies tends to really send people over the edge." She looked down at the sleeping infant in her arms and said quietly, "There was a time when I caught myself thinking, while Simon and I were making love, that I wish the pill would fail me…" she drifted off.

Donna looked at her curiously. "I think it's sweet, not crazy?"

"It's crazy if you consider the fact that I had a hysterectomy over a year before that night, and haven't taken the pill since then, obviously…but obviously THAT part of my brain was in complete denial that night. Listen," she added hurriedly, not looking directly at Donna, "Let's talk about this after the party, okay?"  
  
After the party, Simon went to spend some time with Anthony while CJ and Donna sat down to talk.

"How far along is she? CJ asked.  
"Nine weeks."  
"Did you talk to her about…options?"  
 "She isn't sure how she feels about terminating the pregnancy, but knows keeping this child is out of the question. If nothing else, her family will make its life a nightmare. She wants to find out about placing the child with an adoptive family, but she's afraid to ask questions. Also, she's wondering how she's going to hide a pregnancy once she starts showing…"

"Well, with her body type, she'll probably start showing later than most…at least we have time on our side."

Donna looked at CJ's sad face and said softly, "CJ, I'm sorry…I never knew about…your hysterectomy…"

CJ waived a dismissive hand. She and Donna were friends, but there were subjects CJ wouldn't discuss with anyone. Nor was she going to let her pain show. She slipped once, at the party. That was once too many.

"Forget it. Let's get back to Julie. Listen, my doctor is VERY discreet. Let me talk to her, OK?"  
  
CJ called Dr. Laura Eskins on Monday. Since moving to DC and finding Laura based on a recommendation from CJ's sister-in-law, the two women have become friends. Laura was more than CJ's doctor; she was her confidant and sometimes her lifeline.

"Laura, hi, do you have a minute?" CJ closed her office door as soon as Dr. Eskins returned her call.

"Sure. What can I do for you, Press Secretary extraordinaire?" asked the younger woman cheerfully.

"I'm guessing in your practice you sometimes come in contact with patient who are either wishing to adopt or face an unwanted pregnancy?"  
"You're thinking of adopting, CJ?"

CJ stood still, barely breathing, feeling as if she was hit with a two-by-four over the head. The quick denial that should have crossed her lips never made it out, and the words kept ringing in her ears. "Thinking of adopting…" The silence stretched.

   
"CJ?"  
"Yeah…no, I'm not…I'm…I have a friend who needs to ask questions…discreetly."  
"OK. Let's make an appointment."  
  
When Simon picked CJ up from work that night she was oddly quiet. He knew her well enough to let her be for a while. She showered and changed while he caught up on the mail and phone messages. When she came out of the bedroom, he smiled up at her.

"Are you on some sort of a goodwill mission?"  
"What?"  
"A phone message from Julie Saunders, thanking you profusely for setting up the appointment and agreeing to go with her?"  
"Oh that. She's a young woman in trouble. And her parents are not likely to be the least bit understanding."

"And the father?"  
"Take a wild guess."  
"Yeah."  
"Yeah. So Laura asked me an interesting question today."  
"OK?"

"She asked me if I was thinking of adopting."  
Simon looked at CJ silently for a long moment. Then he asked "Are you?"  
She laughed nervously, looked back at him. "I wasn't until she asked…but…you know…the idea does have merits, what do you think_?"_

Simon sat down at the table, and motioned CJ to sit next to him. He took her hand in both of his. "Seems you already put a lot of thought into this."__

CJ snorted. "Are you kidding? I've not been able to do any work today!" She looked down for a moment. "Well, isn't it worth exploring? I mean…I know this is sudden, and it's a lot to think about…but do you think we should learn more about it?"

She sighed and continued. "There are so many adjustments we'd need to make, and we're not getting any younger," Then she laughed bitterly, "Not to mention the fact that your job makes our future together pretty uncertain."

Simon sighed. CJ handled the risks of his job very well, most of the time. But he knew the constant worry wore on her. It was worst than being the significant other of a police officer_. _At least police officers take cover when the shooting starts, instead of making themselves the biggest targets when bullets are flying. The worst part was, he didn't have a good answer for her. He loved his job, and as long as he could, he wanted to stay in it.

Of course, he loved her more.

"How much of a problem is my job becoming?" he asked quietly.

She shook her head tiredly. "Not more than usual. It's just an added…thing. To consider."  
He nodded. "OK."

"Do you think you can love an adopted child as much as you would have loved a biological child?"  
Simon smiled. "Yeah, you know it's funny you ask. Remember I told you about my friends Sandy and Bill?"  
"Yeah?"

"Their kids are adopted. And they asked themselves the same question before they adopted their oldest. I sort of went through the whole process as their sounding board, and it left me quite the enthusiastic supporter of adoptions." He squeezed her handgently_. "_Ceej, we never even seriously discussed having a baby. I guess I…never pursued the issue because back in October, you hurt so much, and you were confused, and I was trying to…I don't know…minimize the damage…"

"Damage?"

"I felt I started this avalanche when I let on about my one unrealized dream of having a baby. I thought I caused you enough pain…so…"  
"Can we restart the dialog again? Because I'm still confused…scared…not sure   
what I want…but holding the babies this weekend, and Laura's question today…I just want to learn more…"

He smiled. "After the wedding."  
She laughed in reply. "What the hell, I waited my entire adult life, I can wait another week!"


	7. Hawaii and Back

Because I started writing this story before the events in _Commencement,_ there was no way to work Zoey's kidnapping in. So let's assume it never actually happened. Humor me. :)

* * *

Sleeping in had its advantages, CJ thought, stepping onto the bungalow's porch. Simon was coming out of the water, his lean, muscular body glistening in the sun. They were four days into their Hawaiian honeymoon, and CJ knew she had never been happier in her life. Kauai was as close to heaven as CJ could have asked for, and she and Simon were making the most of it. This morning, after a night out, with both her body and mind relaxed, she slept in. Simon, who seemed unable to start the day without a 5 mile jog or a long swim, slipped out quietly, leaving a red rose and a note on his pillow: "Out for a swim, consider this a good morning kiss. I'll give a real one when I'm back."

He grinned as he saw her waiting on the porch. Swiftly closing the distance between them, he pulled her to him, and his lips crushed hers. She responded just as enthusiastically, marveling at the fact that even a year later, she found him as exciting and thrilling as she did the first time they touched.

"You know, that's a silk robe."

"It shouldn't get salty and wet?"

"Not so much, no."

"Well, take it off."

"I would, but I'm not wearing anything underneath."

He scooped her up in his arms and carried her inside the bungalow. Closing the porch door and drawing the blinds he turned to her, smiling. "OK, now take…wow, you already did."

Sleeping in definitely had its advantages.

"Congressman Spanky!"

"You know, I should have used this as a campaign tagline. I probably would have had an easier time winning." Sam smiled as he hugged a tan, relaxed-looking CJ. She laughed and hugged him back. "Well, Toby pulled a miracle for you anyhow. How's the new job?"

They chatted happily for a few minutes. CJ called Sam that morning asking him to stop by her office if he had a free minute. She had come back from her honeymoon two days earlier and there were non-work related issues she needed to tackle.

"Listen, how's your California office running?"

"It's good. I've got some great people. I miss Will, but, you know, he says he likes goats in his office and olives in his pockets so…"

CJ grinned mischievously. "Oh, should I continue to haze him, then?"

"Absolutely. I'm figuring at some point he'll break down and come running back to my office."

"Sorry, pal, he's good at his job. We think we'll keep him. But could you use a good intern next fall?"  
Sam looked at her thoughtfully. "In California?"

"Yup."

"What's the catch?"

"She's due to deliver a baby in December."

"That's not a catch…"

"Her pregnancy should be kept pretty darn quiet."

"Why?"

"She's Julie Saunders."

"Julie from last summer?"

"Yes."

"You're not worried that her dad will come after me?"

"Not as much as I'm worried that he'll come after her, and the baby. Listen, Sam, there's a good chance this pregnancy will barely show on her. No one knows, right now, that she's pregnant. If she has an internship in California next fall, she will be away from prying eyes during the last trimester. She wants to place the baby with an adoptive family and Donna and I, with help from my doctor, are working on it. My doctor knows some pretty discrete obstetricians in your district, and we feel pretty confident Julie can escape an explosive scandal. We hope," she added softly.

"And if we don't escape the scandal?"  
CJ looked up and smiled. "You said 'we.'"

"I did?"

"You did."

Sam sighed. "I was hoping you wouldn't notice."

Summer came too fast. Between the wedding, the honeymoon, Hoynes' resignation and securing the internship for Julie, CJ felt she barely blinked and it was already late June. Simon's mom was coming to stay with them for two weeks in July. Emma Donovan protested that this was too soon for a mother-in-law to interfere, but CJ just laughed. She adored Simon's mother. Emma mothered CJ from the moment they met, filling in the aching void her own mother's death left in CJ. Emma Donovan's best friend, Doris Longman, had died recently, and Simon's brother was having marital problems. CJ and Simon both worried about Emma's suddenly-subdued demeanor, and insisted that she come to DC for some R&R.

The visit got off to a disastrous start. While Emma was unpacking and chatting with her daughter-in-law, Simon and CJ's puppy Hope got hold of Emma's silk blouse and reduced it to its elemental particles before either woman realized what was happening. CJ's horrified shriek brought Simon running into the guest room. He found his mother laughing, CJ yelling, and the dog cowering in the corner, amid shreds of… 

"What does the dog have?" He asked, stepping closer. Hope went belly up, keeping a piece of white fabric in her mouth nonetheless.

"The most expensive dog toy ever," Emma laughed while CJ groaned. Simon bent down and examined the pieces. He frowned.

"Is this the blouse Drew and Jen gave you for Christmas?"

"It was," confirmed his mother, and when Simon pursed his lips she said, "Come on, Simon, she's just a baby and we should have paid closer attention, or kept her out. Don't scold her."

The corners of his mouth quivered, and CJ couldn't tell if he was on the verge of laughter or tears when he said, "Spoken like a true grandma."

CJ made a choking sound and Emma turned around, looking at her with concern.

"Honey, it's really no big deal. I can get another blouse, you know."

CJ sat on the edge of the bed and shook her head. She looked at Simon pleadingly and he smiled slightly and nodded. Emma sat beside CJ and wrapped her arms around the younger woman.

"Is there something you two want to tell me?" She asked.


	8. When the Pieces Fall Into Place

Thanks for all the great feedbak! You're the best -- and you keep me going! So write more feedback :)

* * *

As CJ began to talk, Simon came over and sat on the other side of her, rubbing her back gently. He let CJ tell his mother about their wish for a child, and why they couldn't biologically have one. CJ talked of her own doubts and fears, and her bitterness at having reached a place in her life when everything – from her partner to her state of mind – was right, but the option was no longer easily available.

When CJ finished, Emma was quiet for a while. Throughout the talk, she was gently comforting, offering murmured encouragements when CJ faltered. Now the silence stretched so long that even Simon was starting to feel nervous.

"Ma?"

She smiled faintly. "A friend once told me that when the other shoe drops, you should look at it as an excuse to go get a new shoe. A friend's sixteen-year-old granddaughter is pregnant. They are looking for an adoptive family for this child – they want what's best for their daughter AND the baby. They feel placing the child with an adoptive family is the best solution. Have you two talked about adoption?"

CJ and Simon did talk about it – at length – throughout their honeymoon and afterwards. CJ also talked at length with Simon's friends Sandy and Bill, whose children were adopted. She and Simon were starting to explore the logistics and legalities of adopting a baby. Their high profiles made these explorations harder to conceal. They explained all this to Emma, who nodded.

"At Doris' funeral her daughter Kari started talking to me – she lives with her family in Arizona. It's Kari's sixteen-year-old daughter that's pregnant. They've been going back and forth about what is the fairest solution for Kari's daughter and the baby she's carrying…Then they decided their best option was to place the baby with an adoptive family. She's due in October."

CJ and Simon looked at Emma for a long moment before her words sunk in. Then they looked at each other, stunned.

"How well does Kari know you?" Simon asked tentatively. Doris Longman and Emma Donovan became best friends long after their children were grown, so Simon didn't know Kari or her daughter.

"Not well. Doris and I talked about you kids a lot, but you weren't our only topic of conversation, you know." She smiled gently to take the sting out of her words. Simon pretended to pout and CJ elbowed him in the ribs.

"Emma…we're not sure how open we want the adoption to be…probably not very open…would there be an expectation, because you were Doris' best friend…that there will be some contact between the birthmother and the baby?" CJ's mind was racing as she spoke. She wanted a confidential adoption, though that would be fairly impossible. If they adopted a child, the story would be in every newspaper in the country. What she and Simon definitely didn't want was a situation so open that the birthmother would have direct contact with the child. That much they were certain of.

Emma shook her head. "I have the number of the lawyer who works with them. You can call him and not even mention you found her through me. Just say a mutual acquaintance told you about the situation and you're interested in finding out more. If you think you're ready."

That was really the big question – were they ready to become parents in four months?

Over the next two weeks, CJ and Simon talked at length to each other and to Emma. They aired their fears and doubts, their hopes and dreams, and the logistics of possible parenthood on very short notice when their schedules were, to put it mildly, insane. Emma listened, offered advice when they asked for it, and informed them that if they could put up with her, she'd be happy to help with childcare if they had a baby while she was still in good health.

The day before his mother was scheduled to go back to Chicago, Simon got a phone call. When he hung up, his face wore a peculiar expression, and CJ became alarmed.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he said. "Remember the memo I wrote last month? They want me to head the taskforce."

CJ looked at Simon, speechless. When she found her voice, she asked tentatively, "A taskforce to look into the issues you raised in your memo?"

Simon nodded. Following the near-kidnapping of Zoey Bartlet on her graduation day he wrote a 10-page memo about the need for better information sharing between Federal law enforcement agencies. The memo was filled with constructive advice and recommendations for real actions to alleviate existing problems – problems that cost the life of a Secret Service agent and nearly cost them their protectee.

"So…" CJ tried to digest the information. "What does it mean?"

Simon sighed softly. "It means I have to choose between working protective details and doing this. If I take this offer…I have a chance to affect real change." He chuckled humorlessly. "Or become really disillusioned fast. I'm not sure which it will be…"

He looked at her intently. "I really want this chance, Ceej. And…it will have the unexpected consequence of giving me a 9 to 5 desk job."


	9. Breaking the News

September 2003

"Toby?"  
"I'm busy, go away."

CJ ignored him. Walking to his couch, she sat down, stretching her long legs with a sigh. After several minutes of furious typing, the White House Communication Director looked up with a scowl she knew well enough to ignore.

"What part of 'go away' did you fail to understand?"  
"The part where, as your direct report, I feel duty-bound to inform you that Simon and I might become parents in 2 months."  
Toby blinked. "What?"  
She opened her mouth to repeat the statement and he cut her off. "Stand up."

She did, grinning. He looked her up and down, closely. She was her usual slim, slick self.  
"Where are you hiding a 7-month fetus, CJ?"  
"In Arizona," She giggled.

"Sit. Talk." He barked.  
She rolled her eyes. "Just how DID you come by the 'Communication Director' title, Pokey? Doesn't that imply some skill in, you know, communicating?"  
"CJ," she recognized the warning signs and raised her hands. "OK. Here's the scoop."

She took a deep breath. "Simon and I have been talking about having kids for a while now. Problem is I can't conceive anymore. Don't even think about asking," she added warningly. He nodded and she went on. "We talked about adoption. In fact, we've been looking into it for a while. Last month we found out that a birthmother in Arizona, whom we've contacted in July, chose us to adopt her baby. She's due in November."

Toby chewed his lip for a moment. "Wow."  
She sighed, half nervously, half wistfully. "Yeah."  
"How come you didn't tell me you were looking into it?"

"I don't know," she said honestly. Toby was her best friend and yet…"I guess it's like telling people you're trying to get pregnant. It doesn't usually come up."  
"Andi and the twins didn't help, huh?" He asked.  
She shrugged. He nodded. "OK. I'm busy, go away."

She smiled and got up to leave. His voice stopped her at the door. "CJ?"  
She turned. "Is there anything I can do? I'm here whenever you need me…" His voice trailed off.  
She nodded. "I know," she said softly. "Just wish us a smooth sailing, OK? A lot can happen."  
"When are you going to tell the others?"  
"Senior Staff tomorrow. But Toby," she took a deep breath. "If the press gets wind of this…It could scare off the birthmom. It could…" She shook her head helplessly.

"We'll leash Josh to a desk," Toby smiled softly. They both knew it was nearly impossible to keep a secret in the building. CJ tried to smile, and left.

Next Morning, Oval Office

"OK, what's next?" President Bartlet looked at his senior staffers. Nothing else seemed to be on the agenda. He was about to dismiss them when CJ took a deep breath.  
"Actually…" she stopped, and tried again. "I have a thing. An announcement."  
Leo and the President narrowed their eyes, misinterpreting her nervousness.

"Whatever it is, I won't accept your resignation," said Bartlet curtly. CJ looked stunned.  
"Sir, I wasn't about to resign!"  
"Good. Now you really have my attention. Go on."

CJ took a deep breath and looked at Toby. He smiled thinly at her and nodded. She bit her lower lip and her words rushed out. "Simon and I are hoping to become parents to an adopted baby in November. The birthmother lives in Arizona."

A stunned silence greeted her announcement, broken by the President's jubilant voice. "CJ, that's great! Why didn't you tell us sooner?"  
"It seems to be a question I get a lot lately," she sighed, looking at Toby.  
Jed Bartlet snickered. "It's what happens when you hide things from your friends and family."

CJ smiled tentatively, appreciatively. Then she went on. "Things may be hectic for me for a while…and we'd have to stay in Arizona for several days after the baby is born…"  
"Do you know the sex?" Oddly, it was Josh's enthusiastic voice that cut in. CJ would have figured him to be the last person to ask this question. She had to smile.

"No, Simon and I are doing it the old-fashioned way – we're going to be surprised."

Josh looked disappointed. CJ laughed. "Listen, mi amore, being Simon's child I have no doubt this kid will be into baseball, whether it's a boy or a girl."  
Josh grinned back at her. "Cool!"  
She shook her head as Leo muttered "Kids!" referring, she knew, to Josh's behavior and not the subject in general.

Will looked at her and asked pointedly, "Are you planning to make any announcements to the press?"

She shook her head. "I'm hoping to keep it under wraps until we come home with the baby. So much can happen between now and then, and she can still change her mind – up to 72 hours after the baby is born." CJ bit her lip again and fought the now-familiar panic that always accompanied that thought. To her, the baby was so real, and already theirs – hers and Simon. She couldn't bear the thought of losing it, though in reality she knew she had no guarantees of ending up parenting this child.

The President nodded. "We'll do our best to keep a secret in this little town. And if there's anything you need, don't hesitate to ask." He smirked. "Oh and…I'm sure Abbey would like to share her parenting wisdom with the two of you, so let's make sure we get you and Simon in for dinner at the residence soon."  
"Will there be trivia involved, Sir?"

"I will be in the room, yes."

CJ sighed inwardly. Toby spoke up. "How come I was never invited when Andi was pregnant?"  
Jed Bartlet smiled thinly at his Communication Director. "Because you broke the news to us while my wife and I were attempting to sneak some quality private time together."  
Toby swallowed. "Yes Sir."

"Anything else?" asked Leo. "No? OK, let's get to work then."


	10. Dreams Come True

Deputy Press Secretary Simon Glazer walked briskly up to the lectern and looked out at the sea of faces in the Press Room.

"Good morning. CJ Cregg is out of town for personnel reasons. I'd like to start this briefing with the President's comments on Senator Sorkin's surprise resignation last night…"

October 24, 2003

CJ and Simon spoke very little on the flight to Arizona. Mostly they just held, or gripped, each other's hands, each lost in his or her thoughts, hopes, and fears.

The call came that morning, as they were getting ready for work. Though Lisa, the borthmom, wasn't due for two more weeks, they all knew the due date was fluid, give or take two weeks. But CJ and Simon really didn't think the baby would come early. Kari, Lisa's mom, had told them she'd delivered all three of her kids late. Somehow, CJ and Simon assumed Lisa would do the same.

In the mad scramble to make flight arrangements and pack, CJ gratefully stumbled over the baby-shower gift from the senior assistants. What a lifesaver that turned out to be! Sitting on the plane, she now smiled at the thought of the oversized diaper bag. Trust Debbie Fiderer to find something that looked utterly ridiculous and turned out to be so useful – CJ would have never bought one like it. The senior assistants filled it to bursting with diapers, baby outfits (unisex!), bottles and formula. This morning, CJ snatched the bag with relief. "Guess the girls did some useful packing for us!" she told Simon as they hurried down the stairs. Simon nodded in grateful agreement.

"Oh no!" Simon's groan brought CJ back to the present with a jolt.  
"What?" she asked in alarm.  
"Do you know what we forgot to bring?"  
CJ looked at him nervously. "What?"  
"The baby seat. For the car and the plane ride back to DC."

CJ hit him. "Honestly, Simon, you almost gave me a heart attack. We can BUY the darn car seat in Arizona. We need two anyhow, for both cars at home."  
He looked at her quizzically. "Is this another example of women being more practical than men?"  
She snorted. "Not really. We just enjoy shopping more, and need to find a way to rationalize it."  
He barked out a short laugh and squeezed her hand. The plane sped towards Phoenix.

Nine hours later

Lisa was tired. CJ stood beside her, opposite Kari, and wiped the teen's sweaty face. It was finally time, and Lisa wanted CJ and Simon to be there when the actual delivery happened.

The two of them were ever so grateful they made it to the hospital with time to spare. In fact, they had enough time for Simon to wear a hole in the floor, according to CJ.  
"I thought all that Secret Service training would come in handy just about now?" she teased.

He growled in response and continued pacing. Now he stood off to one side as Lisa was being prepped. He waited for his cue to come closer, and wished he could make himself useful the way CJ did.

Two hours later, Toby's Office 

Bonnie practically launched herself into Toby's office, and literally bounced as she told him, breathlessly, "CJ's on line 1."

She made no move to leave the office as Toby grabbed the phone, and he could see Ginger inching towards his office door. He gave them both his best death glare, which they ignored.  
"CJ, talk to me."

She was laughing and crying at the same time, and it was all Toby could do to control his own emotions as his best friend's voice carried from the other end of the line.  
"A little girl, Toby. She's beautiful!"  
"She's healthy?"  
"Oh yeah," CJ laughed. "She's a decent size, too. 7 lbs., 9 oz., and 21 inches long."

Toby smiled, and tried not to get excited, yet.  
"When can we officially celebrate?" He asked CJ gently.

She took a deep breath. She wished he didn't touch on that nagging terror in her heart.  
"Arizona law gives the birthmom 72 hours to change her mind," she said softly. For her and Simon, the next 72 hours were going to be the longest of their lives.

"Is she staying with the birthmom at the hospital?" Asked Toby, hoping the answer was no.  
"No. The hospital gave us a room where we can stay with her. The birth family is fine with that. Also, Lisa signed a document that gives us power of attorney over the baby, so she can be discharged to our care before the 72 hours are up."

A Power of Attorney can be revoked at any time, Toby knew. Moreover, he knew CJ knew as well. At least the gesture was a promising sign.

"Did you name her yet?" CJ and Simon had picked girl and boy names ahead of time, but the weren't telling. Toby hoped he wouldn't have to wait 72 hours for THAT.  
"Alexandra Cregg-Donovan."

Toby smiled. "That's a beautiful name, CJ."

"Yeah," she said softly, and he knew she was crying, so he had to do something.

"Did Simon pass out during the delivery?"  
She laughed. "Sorry – no. He was great. Wanna talk to him?"

Toby smiled, writing down a brief summary for the two assistants who were now threatening to strangle him with the phone cord.  
"Sure. Put him on."

He tore off the piece of paper and gave it to Bonnie. In a minute, she and Ginger were out the door, no doubt on their way to Donna's desk. Or Carol's.

72 hours can seem like an eternity, especially if one can't sleep for most of that time. CJ and Simon took turns napping, but for the most part stayed awake, even when little Alex was sleeping. They kept gazing at her, cuddling her, and softly telling her how loved she was, and how they looked forward to being her mommy and daddy. They had taken the baby to their hotel when she was discharged from the hospital in excellent condition. Simon's mother flew down to Phoenix to be with them during the agonizing wait. She fell in love with the baby as soon as she met her.

With twelve hours to go before Alex became officially their baby, Lisa called and asked to meet with all four of them the next day, when the waiting period was officially over.

They met in Lisa's house, where Lisa and her parents and sisters took turns holding Alex and playing with her. When they all settled down, Kari asked the question her daughter was obviously too nervous to ask.

"Will you tell Alex she is adopted?"

"Absolutely," CJ and Simon answered together, with no hesitation. They have done their homework. They promised Lisa and her family that Alex would hear the word spoken often enough to make it a natural part of her vocabulary, but not so often to make it a burden.

"What if she wants to see me?" Asked Lisa softly, cuddling the sleeping baby.  
"When she's 18, if that's her wish, we'll make sure she can find you," CJ answered softly. Simon nodded.

Lisa spoke softly again. "Will you give this to her…when you feel she's ready?" She handed a large envelope to CJ and Simon. Inside they found pictures of Lisa and her family, as well as a picture of Lisa and Ryan, her ex-boyfriend and Alex's birthfather. There was also a sealed envelope addressed to Alex. CJ looked up with tears in her eyes.

"She'll get it, Lisa. I don't know when, but I promise you she will."  
  
Lisa nodded.

On the flight back to DC, CJ and Simon stared at Alex in her care seat in stunned disbelief.

"This is real?" CJ asked softly. She was nearly overcome with emotions. Simon simply nodded mutely, and didn't bother to hide his tears as he touched the baby's cheek for the millionth time.

Across the aisle, Emma Donovan smiled softly. She seemed ten years younger. She was coming to DC with CJ and Simon, as promised. She told them in Arizona that she did not intend to overstay her welcome, but she was definitely going to spend some quality time with her new granddaughter.

"And you'll teach us how to not screw up as parents?" Simon asked at the time, smiling. His mother snorted.

"You'll screw up, son. We all do."

"YOU didn't."

"Selective memory, but flattery will get you anywhere." She kissed her son's cheek lovingly.

Simon turned to her now, almost as if he felt her smile. She returned his gaze lovingly. They didn't need words to communicate. She knew her son's dreams, and the years of heartache. His blue eyes bore deep into her soul and thanked her. Thanked her for the love that sustained him through the bleak times and for being there to share in his happy times. He thanked her for being such a huge help in helping him and CJ realize the dream they carried for so long, separately and together.

The plane flew on to DC, carrying a family home.


End file.
